the platitudes of willful resemblance

Apparently there is a movie coming out next year about Noah of biblical fame. Hey, it stars Russell Crowe so it ought to at least be entertaining. The reason I am writing about it here is it is my hope that these questions I’ve always had about the great flood will be answered in this Aronofsky film.

A selection of my questions:

1. Was everyone evil? even the little babies who couldn’t do anything for themselves yet? the unborn who were unwittingly killed – I mean talk about abortions – I think the flood takes the abortion cake.

2. Just how did Noah organize all the animals on the ark? Did he separate the herbivores from the carnivores and have the omnivores in between. Where did he get the marsupials from and why then were they essentially left to one continent after that? Dinosaurs? Arctic animals? how did they make such a journey and survive not to mention the journey back without a proper GPS.

3. Considering that the size of the Ark would leave only .06 inches for each animal living today (not including dinosaurs and the many species that have gone extinct between now and then) where was the food stored and how was it organized – was it kosher? were all the carnivores put on vegetarian diets and such?

4. how did this old man (600ish) build a stadium sized boat? How had he managed to live even that long? wasn’t everyone on the Ark in their 500s or better? This strikes me as odd.

5. The Ark had but a single window (poor design feature) how was the dung managed? Memory tells me that there were about 8 people on the ark (all related) to shovel all that literal shit out of a single window – that is really impressive management. Elephants alone can create a hundred pounds of dung a day – and there were two!

6. Why did Noah need a dove to locate land that with a rudderless and sail-less Ark they could only hope to get to? Wasn’t he in communication with his God the whole time? – Fuck the dove – I would have eaten it and food must have been scarce at that point.

7. Re-population. All eight of the seafarers were related – there was no racial mix – this supposedly happened – what, like 4,000 years ago? – where in 4,000 years did we come up with such a massive population and such a diverse one at that? One would imagine all that inbreeding would have created an eventual completely helpless species that likely would have died out within a few generations – the genetic DNA swap aside – how did a mess of middle-eastern Jews populate Africa with Africans? Japan with the Japanese and China with the Chinese and every other ethnic variable there is?

8. Once the flood waters receded – where did the water go? why is there fresh water in some places and salt water in others – wouldn’t the mixture of these two killed quite a few of the aquatic life? What did Noah and crew eat while they were awaiting re-population or all plant and animals? the leftover bloated dead bodies of their former neighbors? Oh yea, there would have been a ton of dead shit just lying around everywhere.

9. I thought God was omniscient – didn’t he see this need coming? I mean when he created a species ill and then demanded upon pain of death that they be well – didn’t he know ahead of time that he might have to brutally drown them all (save 8)? Why wouldn’t he just change the plan and make the species better or vaporize all but the 8 in the first place instead of having to go through the strum and drung of a global flood? Leaving 8 to clean up the mess which is somehow never really commented on.

10. In the sequel will they cover why there is no evidence left from this supposed flood?

I hope that they cover some of these questions – they won’t, I know it. But one can dream? or not. I think that it will probably be an impressive film considering the cast and director and like all films about mythology – someone will take it too seriously and there will be busloads of people coming in from churches to see it and weeping over the beauty of it all which will make it impossible to enjoy the film in the first place.

That is if I am going to see it – which I don’t think I am.