Posts tagged ‘pain’

July 16, 2015

this morning came around seven and then again around eight-fifteen.

by jhon baker

I woke this morning to medications and everything being left of center by about six inches. As the day progressed it shifted to about eight inches right of center never actually being center. This is the way of it lately – yesterday spent most of the day right of center except my sons room which was three inches left. The day before that was mostly malaise covered and fuzzy. I contemplate that my medications are no longer correct for my diagnosis but wonder if maybe my diagnosis is more severe then we previously thought. Then again the world may actually be left or right as I awake and descend throughout the day but today it ends with my motorcycle no longer being mine and no longer in the garage. now in there are a mass of broken things and unfinished projects that I may or may not be smart enough to complete without assistance.

I don’t write here often because like this post clearly defines – I have very little to say that isn’t about lonely carpet tufts and apples growing on certain trees far away from here. I could write about my squeezing ceiling fan, blue curtains covering the slider in my room but that seems passe right now. And I am drinking coffee from my unbroken other favorite Vincent coffee mug. Sunflowers. Wheat field with crows was my favorite but now it is broken.

I’ve learned that some pain medications can deepen psychosis and as a result I’ve been taken off of them and am left with only two meds to control my pain and those don’t seem to be working as well lately. I’m sleeping a lot during the day to try and control pain. it works to a certain extent and offers me usual nightmares and vivid nighttimedreaming – I am ill from the side affects of something and find my appetite reduces to normalish levels but still sickened in the stomach with no abatement.

every time I turn around there is no-one there – only carpet tufts in some joyful crushed harmony.

September 24, 2013

snippet

by jhon baker

I am glad I do not know your pain

for I am not a masochist.

 

– not anything yet

 

i have been writing in snippets lately with nary a completed poem to be found. So this is my offering.

June 21, 2011

pain and poetry

by jhon baker

From here, the days just keep getting shorter. This is what informs my day

What would you do if you knew you could not fail? this is the test to know what you should spend you life doing. it is suppose to be rhetorical and/or asked by every guidance counselor of every pimply faced teenager who doesn’t know yet what they want to do. I didn’t know then – or I did but it wasn’t considered a wise career choice.
My answer now? – no longer live through the vagaries of chronic pain – find a way to free myself from the unrelenting haunt that are, the constraints of living that are, physical pain and mental anguish.

What I once wished was to be a poet – to varying degrees I am that now, I live it and it is possibly pain that has given me this aspect, pain that has offered me clarity through pain controlling medications, pain has offered me poetry that does not belong on even the most interesting hallmark cards.

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June 6, 2011

?

by jhon baker

What day is it? Monday? D-Day? going soon to get my head shrunk though I’ve no illusions of grandeur.
Spent the weekend tied to my laptop and when not, watching “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory”. Both versions played and there was some poetry written but not much. Today I owe letters to two friends, maybe three.
I am bound to this mind for eternity – as I am tethered to this coffee and cigarette for the next ten minutes.
I’ve no love for the wicked and therefore hold no hatred –
though I’ve a hard on in the wrong week and my mustache needs a trim.

contemplate my dis-ease, contemplate why it couldn’t have been cancer.

I brush my teeth once a day – sometimes twice. I’ve stopped wearing deodorant as it causes me to itch and turn my armpits red, I need a shower and the ghosts in the windows are ever present while the noise screeches loudly like snow on a fifties television set.
I change my underwear and socks daily, but not my slacks – showering about two to three times per week keeps me clean and I have no particular scent that anyone finds offensive.
I wear shoes from the moment I awake to the moment I lay to sleep.
I drink Orange juice, water and coffee. rarely anything else –
I love guns, fine art and poetry. I love my wife and this is my advice for all – love yer wife, love yer life.

June 2, 2011

a day in the life

by jhon baker

was with the same insurance company for about 14 years on the cars and cycle. Last August when I bought a new bike they quoted me three times what the same policy had cost four years before on a then new bike of the same make and model – I didn’t go with them on that – when it came time for house and renter property insurance I went with the same company and although I thought it was high I went with it because what the fuck did I know – well just switched away from them and saved on the cars and houses about 1600 a year – haven’t switched the Harley insurance because as of right now I am insuring through Harley and who knows motorcycles better then they?WIth the former company I insured through they would up my premiums every six months and I had to call and negoiate the rates back down and usually prevailed in getting them lower than they were the 6 months previous – yea for me but what a waste of time every six months.
Lesson – want to save money? shop around the insurance and give the big names a try – they will surprise you. I did not go with any company that hadn’t been in the business for decades – nor did I go with any that advertised any specific or non-binding % off current coverage.

That is enough about the business side of life…

on the more fun side I have been on a lego building kick for a few weeks and am about to complete the Death Star which I received as a gift two Christmases ago. I love Lego and couldn’t think of any better way to wind down the extremely busy weeks that have compromised the last two months – well, Lego and going to the range tomorrow with a good friend, Kevin. We are partners in pain – physical pain, not mental – physical which fucks with us mentally continually.

Not the best poet and certainly not nearly as entertaining as Pearl or Micael – but it will have to do.

a poem perhaps?

only sleep eases pain
only sleep eases pain
pain defines.
joy, happiness, collusion
love even distrust,
having dreams, night terrors, delusions.
all are unknown in entirety.
“how perfectly goddamned delightful it is
to be sure.”
every moments considered
length is by pains
varying degree.
 – Hoc Scripsi
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