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215643 –

by jhon baker

Trying my hardest today to not bellow and shout, scream at everyone who breathes in my presence. The fault is entirely mine, or at least it is the fault of an unknown source fucking up my tolerance level for people, things, coffee and apt consideration.

Last night – or rather this morning between six and nine thirty I slept. The first real sleep in days not driven by highly charged emotional states and nightmares. and at the moment my wrist is bleeding.

I didn’t harm myself if that is the conclusion the reader has leapt to.

a stab into the wrist from a light construction project in the destruction phase. Well, it is meant to be a light construction/room rehab project but the further I am getting into it the more I am realizing that it is going to need and today I am not up to the task of contemplating how best to accomplish the goal.

what I need is a four in the afternoon nap, some heavy sedation and a beer or bottle of Yukon Jack.

my problems are petty and the coffee is warm.

I can’t write a poem in this mood, flashing downward in a silent movie circa 1928 train wreck and bugs bunny taunting the shotgun in manic high.

squirrels wear a fur coat made of raccoon hide.

Posted on September 5, 2011 at 4:07 pm in mental illness   |  RSS feed |   Reply   |   Trackback URL

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4 Comments to “215643 –”

    
  1. Lisa
    September 5, 2011 at 5:46 pm

    I’ve been where you are today. Usually when I’m like that I’ll excuse myself from all other human presence and take a long afternoon nap in total darkness with the air turned down to frigid. 75% of the time I’m better when I wake up. The other 25%, well, I don’t like to think about that….

    Reply
    • jhon baker
      September 5, 2011 at 6:49 pm

      75% of the time medication controls these swings and aspects – I don’t like to think about the other 25%. I’ve also been where I was/am today – all too often for far too long.

      Reply
  2. Mynx
    September 6, 2011 at 4:53 am

    I hope you find your way out of your funk soon. I can have some terrible mood swings, probably hormonal in my case and it makes me a not very nice person to be around.
    Then I go and hide out in my happy place until I can face the world again
    Sending hugs

    Reply
  3. Kara Baker
    September 6, 2011 at 9:47 am

    Jhon, your problems are not petty. You are not simply in a funk. There are not many who have been where you are. They might think that they have been. The depression that many suffer from does not compare. I do not mean to belittle others suffering – but there is a huge difference between depression and living with PTSD, severe depression, BiPolar II, debilitating chronic pain that there is no cure for, severe insomnia. Add to that the death of your father-in-law, beloved Aunt, a dying friend, dying aunt, and a mother in law who just almost died – all in the past year.

    No, Lisa and Mynx, you may think that you can relate – but be thankful that you truly don’t.

    Reply
    

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