everytime I’m with you, I’m fucked up…

by jhon baker

religious iconography isn’t my thing.

When my impatience with people, cats, machinery et cetera come on – I know it is time to take myself out of the mixture for awhile, all in attempt to avoid the medications, the ward, having to make the excuses – I am lucky in that my wife is somehow able to calm me and distract until she can get me to a safer place. I live not only with bi-polar spectrum disorder with psychosis but chronic pain as well, and when the pain peaks it causes all the effort of control to spin wildly and quickly down – I need my pain meds, today crying a bit while trying to nap after snow blowing the drive I could only think that I wanted to vanish into Hawaii or the mountains to live as a crazy monk.

anyway

I’ve never met the man who isn’t torn between

clean, sober, right,
shame, bottle and heartbreak.

who isn’t sliding toward the selfish decision;
who isn’t the man he wanted to be.

prescription drugs, narcotics
bad poetry, tense moments

of quietude and longing.
leaning against rail fences

sun shining on his face.

 – Hoc Scripsi

image from Magpie #45

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blurred vision
two dimensional –
beginning existence.
the child looks to it’s mother
and is forgotten by
most of the world.

this is your child,
contemplate their sacrifice
to the rivers of working men
and think not of the blood
shed during
birth
from your body
in painful throes.
Mary was saved the
embarrassment of virginity
and graphic detail
in thanks to stain glass legends
and some Pope high on
power and opium

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13 Comments to “everytime I’m with you, I’m fucked up…”

  1. I can really relate to having to remove myself from the mixture of life. Hope you can find something for the pain as it is a real big trigger. Love Anyway. Try to have some sort of Happy Hoilday even though they are over rated.

  2. …. anyway, f##^^&ing brilliant!

  3. It isn't my thing either, but your poem sure is. Really nice Jhon…

    The first poem is pretty damn close to reality. If they would admit to it, is another matter…

  4. The poems.. magnificent and I don't do religous icons either..
    YOu… do whatever you need to do to stay here, painfree, med free..You are necessary to many..and tell your wife she is a blessing…

  5. Your wife sounds amazing. To have there to talk you down.

    “who isn’t sliding toward the selfish decision…” That line caught my eye. Powerful stuff, Jhon.

  6. The test of a man is when he's in the heart of the maelstrom, and even bad poetry is a mark of the brave. Few people are willing to bare their soul in good form, or bad, and I count myself lucky to call you friend.

  7. honest maybe,
    people are different.
    lovely tale.

  8. Interesting, creative, different! I like it!

    I’d like to wish you a Merry Christmas and to say thank you for the support to Jingle Poetry, with you standing beside us, we are able to continue our efforts by providing the platform for poets who share and encourage…BEST wishes for the year 2011…your poetry has enlightened our community and made us smile.

    Blessings fly your way, Happy Holidays!

    http://jinglepoetry.blogspot.com/

    Hope to see you on Sunday Poetry Potluck again, let me know if you have questions..old poems or poems unrelated to our theme are welcome..

    week 15 theme: reflections, interpretations, and musings.

    Take care!

  9. Poweful, Jhon.

  10. Please feel free to take the awards in the post , share each award with 1 to 10 friends,

    Awards 4 u, Merry Christmas

  11. Hello,

    Happy new Year and Merry Christmas!

    Please feel free to claim any awards from the following links..
    love your support. Thanks for the contribution to potluck poetry, link in one if you can today.
    http://itistimetothinkformyself.blogspot.com/2010/12/i-was-pleased-2-beat-flu-december.html

  12. I think we're all sliding toward the selfish decision.

    It's just that some of us don't mind. 😉

    Lovely, Jhon.

    – B x

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