Posts tagged ‘pain’

September 24, 2013

snippet

by jhon baker

I am glad I do not know your pain

for I am not a masochist.

 

– not anything yet

 

i have been writing in snippets lately with nary a completed poem to be found. So this is my offering.

June 21, 2011

pain and poetry

by jhon baker

From here, the days just keep getting shorter. This is what informs my day

What would you do if you knew you could not fail? this is the test to know what you should spend you life doing. it is suppose to be rhetorical and/or asked by every guidance counselor of every pimply faced teenager who doesn’t know yet what they want to do. I didn’t know then – or I did but it wasn’t considered a wise career choice.
My answer now? – no longer live through the vagaries of chronic pain – find a way to free myself from the unrelenting haunt that are, the constraints of living that are, physical pain and mental anguish.

What I once wished was to be a poet – to varying degrees I am that now, I live it and it is possibly pain that has given me this aspect, pain that has offered me clarity through pain controlling medications, pain has offered me poetry that does not belong on even the most interesting hallmark cards.

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June 6, 2011

?

by jhon baker

What day is it? Monday? D-Day? going soon to get my head shrunk though I’ve no illusions of grandeur.
Spent the weekend tied to my laptop and when not, watching “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory”. Both versions played and there was some poetry written but not much. Today I owe letters to two friends, maybe three.
I am bound to this mind for eternity – as I am tethered to this coffee and cigarette for the next ten minutes.
I’ve no love for the wicked and therefore hold no hatred –
though I’ve a hard on in the wrong week and my mustache needs a trim.

contemplate my dis-ease, contemplate why it couldn’t have been cancer.

I brush my teeth once a day – sometimes twice. I’ve stopped wearing deodorant as it causes me to itch and turn my armpits red, I need a shower and the ghosts in the windows are ever present while the noise screeches loudly like snow on a fifties television set.
I change my underwear and socks daily, but not my slacks – showering about two to three times per week keeps me clean and I have no particular scent that anyone finds offensive.
I wear shoes from the moment I awake to the moment I lay to sleep.
I drink Orange juice, water and coffee. rarely anything else –
I love guns, fine art and poetry. I love my wife and this is my advice for all – love yer wife, love yer life.

June 2, 2011

a day in the life

by jhon baker

was with the same insurance company for about 14 years on the cars and cycle. Last August when I bought a new bike they quoted me three times what the same policy had cost four years before on a then new bike of the same make and model – I didn’t go with them on that – when it came time for house and renter property insurance I went with the same company and although I thought it was high I went with it because what the fuck did I know – well just switched away from them and saved on the cars and houses about 1600 a year – haven’t switched the Harley insurance because as of right now I am insuring through Harley and who knows motorcycles better then they?WIth the former company I insured through they would up my premiums every six months and I had to call and negoiate the rates back down and usually prevailed in getting them lower than they were the 6 months previous – yea for me but what a waste of time every six months.
Lesson – want to save money? shop around the insurance and give the big names a try – they will surprise you. I did not go with any company that hadn’t been in the business for decades – nor did I go with any that advertised any specific or non-binding % off current coverage.

That is enough about the business side of life…

on the more fun side I have been on a lego building kick for a few weeks and am about to complete the Death Star which I received as a gift two Christmases ago. I love Lego and couldn’t think of any better way to wind down the extremely busy weeks that have compromised the last two months – well, Lego and going to the range tomorrow with a good friend, Kevin. We are partners in pain – physical pain, not mental – physical which fucks with us mentally continually.

Not the best poet and certainly not nearly as entertaining as Pearl or Micael – but it will have to do.

a poem perhaps?

only sleep eases pain
only sleep eases pain
pain defines.
joy, happiness, collusion
love even distrust,
having dreams, night terrors, delusions.
all are unknown in entirety.
“how perfectly goddamned delightful it is
to be sure.”
every moments considered
length is by pains
varying degree.
 – Hoc Scripsi
May 11, 2011

people ain’t no good

by jhon baker

so much pain in these past days – finally I took four times the prescription to be able to sleep – awoke in the middle of the night and made love to my wife, hobbled around the house for a cigarette after and fell back to sleep. Drug induced sleep is never restful but that wasn’t the point, it was to escape pain, escape teeth breaking clenched jaws and now I am having slight hallucinations and still in incredible pain.
Once asked how I would define the last four years of my existence – what one word to sum it all, everything I’ve learned, everything I’d experienced — all I could say was not love although the love thrust upon me from my wife was extraordinary – pain was what my lips couraged up. Pain has defined my existence for now four and a half years, barely controlled rage from said pain and narcotics and it’s not like I get high, it’s not like I can enjoy the crippling addiction to opiates, narcotics and sympathetic nerve control medications, I cannot enjoy the shaking hand and hallow feel ebb away once the drugs take effect, I cannot enjoy the simplicity of walking to the bathroom in the middle of the night.

I try to not complain.

really.

today and yesterday and the day previous has been an experience of bordering on going to the hospital for a near lethal amount of Dilaudid.
but pain is loud and I cannot scream through its cacophonous discombobulation.

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