the platitudes of willful resemblance

I woke up late,
I need a shower, badly.
I spent a few hours in a mall where the people observation was all the out of work and didn’t shower today crowd.
I’ve considered learning how to juggle running chainsaws but decided on sporks.
My son asked me if you could stab someone with a fork, and in saying yes I had to relay when I did so in High School. The guy stole my fries. I was provoked. We weren’t friends and I haven’t heard from him except for once when he saw me in a restaurant and ran out the door. I don’t know why.
I am not a violent person but do suffer from various mental aberrations which leave me unable to predict behavior when provoked. I always feel at least a little bad.
I once went in to sign up for the Marines. When I spoke with the recruiter I asked if they were hiring Generals, he said that I shouldn’t think that I couldn’t…., cutting him off I said that I wanted to apply for the job of General and if they weren’t hiring for that I would try the Navy. He was less than enthused by my joke.
Years later I almost joined the reserves with a friend of mine, who is a transvestite, he was x-military and wanted the bonus. I wanted the bonus too and felt that I could get kicked out or just put up with it for four years. K wouldn’t allow it and I was very happy about that.
Yesterday I started a letter to a pen pal, two pages in I felt it wasn’t good enough, I wasn’t smart enough, I crumpled it and tossed it. A similar thing happened to yesterdays post – on the same topic as today’s.

If I am the sum of all my experiences, decisions, mistakes, loves, triumphs, showers, deformities, delusions, et cetera, then at present I am perfect.

 – or – as I put in on another blog…

if we are, indeed, the sum of our experiences and actions to date – then we are, in a word, perfect.

I don’t need a gun to defend myself, I am capable of being a reflection of my size – a monster. I need a gun to prevent me from killing an offender. Often the display of force is enough of an equalizer to prevent a further confrontation.
I am a Buddhist who has let go of the materialism of being a Buddhist. Many people see this as me not being a Buddhist – I have no alter, I have to shrine, I do not sit on my Zafu and zabuton (I can no longer sit in lotus anyway) – they are long gone, I do not carry my beads anymore, I make no physical declarations of my philosophy, I do not claim to be transcendentant, I do not claim to be enlightened – I claim no thing.

okay, now I must shower.