Archive for November, 2010

November 15, 2010

by jhon baker

it feels good to close eyes, putting my head into may arms on the desk. As where I know it is early and the coffee is filling the ache of addiction – a few hours of really good sleep beats none and fails to compare to a nights rest.

propping up my right elbow is an ornate oriental box containing two metal balls containing bells or something that chimes. Right arm cradles the head at a good height so there will be no strain in holding my self correct later.

I need a short nap – my cell phone is charging while I await important phone calls. This combination doesn’t suit me at all.

Edit: HA! I just saw that I posted this after three and I reference the time as early – well, I wrote it this morning – fairly early and didn’t hit “publish post” until after three – really tired.

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November 12, 2010

After the trip and nearly healed…

by jhon baker

I’ve been back from Florida since Sunday when I promptly went to bed and slept the better of twenty hours. See the abuses to my body of such long days on my feet and the amount of pain control medications (prescribed narcotics and opiates) along with no sleep and catching something from the Hollywood theme park did me in for that day and really the rest of this week so far. My beautiful wife has been dutifully preparing the house for our sons birthday party tomorrow while I basically wandered around in a listless manner reading Paradise Lost and sucking on several Halls mentholyptis. She is better to me than I deserve.
I managed to write four pages this week and a poem to send off to my Aunt Kate who I have come to the understanding is dying and not going to live much longer. This weighs heavy on my heart indeed as she and I are the best representation of what family really is. She also suffers chronic pain and has Cancer to boot – earlier this year she broke her hip and has truly failed to recover from that – there was never any hope of a recovery from the lung cancer which is now spreading like the terrible disease it is.

I don’t mean to bring you down. I love this woman dearly and now only hope for her pain to vanish away no matter what that also means.

I realized that I’ve missed two Magpie photos and am currently looking at this weeks to suss out the right words.

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it’s okay to die
I look forward to death
with relief, comfort
and sedated melancholy.
if I look up now
what will I see?
and if I look down?
man was not born for
pursuit of perfection
but to be free;
not tied to breathing,
entrapped by fear.
it’s okay to die.
this is what I tell myself
while it is not too late
for living.
 – Hoc Scripsi
November 1, 2010

preface to the week

by jhon baker

Leaving soon for Florida – Disney world to  be more specific. Celebrating my boy’s seventh birthday. The last time I was there, when I was about 12ish, there was a sunscreen incident and my brother and I got second degree sunburn – this was the second day. That night we ate at the Mickey Mouse Buffet where M.M. gave me a great big hug – after I stopped screaming and crying my memory fades away. I am hoping that better memories are created this time.
I should be able to post while there depending on how tired I am and the amount of pain my leg decided to make me endure. I am hoping that a change of scenery will inspire a few poems out of me that aren’t about six foot tall mice and Disney pretty princesses. Disney pretty is not my pretty – Disney beautiful is not my beautiful – is there such a thing  as Disney sexy? They do make or subsidize porn films don’t they? Maybe my wife and I will happen across an adult bar wherein we get smashed and fuck in the bathroom, that will be Disney sexy.

I once wrote a poem called “sexy to me” – I don’t like it now but I should find it and place here a few excerpts for you laughter and comedic enjoyment – not that it was meant to be funny but that it probably is in retrospect.

sexy to me is sunday morning
reading the funnies
hair messed in a bathrobe
drinking fresh coffee
before the children wake up.

sexy to me is dancing the tango
in the kitchen
while making dinner or
after doing the dishes
elbow deep in hot sudsy water.

sexy to me is skillfully touched
with fingers, a somewhat
gradual fragility
like lace or satin
or the efforts of a silk worm.

that isn’t from the original bad poem and is just a sketch that still may be badly written – I’ll let you judge and later, I will as well when I sit down to really write it up.
I reread the original and it sucks beyond comprehension. I would like to obliterate all my former writings while I was learning but then I wouldn’t have learned anything. I would like to erase all of them from the WWW and publications so they could no longer be connected to me in anyway. Fortunately I wrote under a pen name.

last thought before I smoke my last cigarette for the night and go to bed awaiting the five am limo call – If I don’t get to reading your blogs – I will play the apologist now and try to catch up in a week. If I die in the meantime know that I’ve loved life, my wife, child and the few words I’ve managed to scrawl out if any of them are worth a damn. Not that I think I am not going to make it back – but you never do know – unless you do and hey, bully for you.