Posts tagged ‘pain’

April 7, 2010

my brain is cold

by jhon baker
my brain is cold for some reason this morning. This isn’t new only new for today. If this were another day it might even be considered normal, but not today.
The day starts with Pachabel, this is also the tune that my wife walked down the aisle to when we married. I am nearly offended when the spell check does not contain Pachabel in it’s volume until I click ‘add to dictionary’ and then the world is in rights again. 
My knee itches and as I am trying to satiate the desire through my slacks the thought flashed through my mind that if I excised the leg about eight inches above the knee many of my problems may be solved – since one of those problems is also my life I decide to push harder with my nail until I know there is no moment when the need is satiated and the bother ceases.
I learn this morning (already knowing but not formulating into words) that while I am writing I can only do so to silence, Typewriter or pencil sounds and/or classical music but not Beethoven, otherwise my thoughts stop as if zero Kalvin is achieved and I am comatose in brain but brought to stark rage at the source of sound, like voices, or eyes.
 

Name dropping
Lucien Stryk makes me happy.
Plath does not but makes me want.
Bukowski makes me want to read Bukowski.
H.D. makes me want to read Keats.
Mainly now I want to go to bed or make more coffee.
With the tornado warning outside

I think I may simply go to bed.

– Hoc Scripsi 

Filling out copyright forms is the easiest thing to do on the planet next to running a coffee shop, but I hate doing both and only did one this morning. The other I haven’t done in 3.5 years and hopefully never will again.

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March 22, 2010

Wilmington, North Carolina

by jhon baker

Morning, having slept in, sort of. I had a hard time sleeping after driving nearly 500 miles yesterday, this would not have been a problem years ago but age, abuse to body (internal), accidents resulting in abuse to body (external), and now chronic pain in leg from hip to large toe make even sitting painful. Today’s poem is about what landed me here, sort of.
my extended family has embraced Kara so beautifully that I nearly teared. I am so glad that we made this trip, I am so glad that we can embrace once more. Tonight we dine with my second cousins and may see my Great Aunt Kate again but she has had a procedure today for her own pain that will prevent us from being together. Maybe.
Goethe died today in 1832. It is because of Goethe that I journal. It is because of a friend of mine that I do so publicly, sort of publicly. This is meant for popular consumption and my other journal is only meant for similar consumption after my untimely death, whenever that may be.

THE MOTORCYCLE

the motorcycle had been
insured, paid for and
was now just a pile of
bolts, chrome and accessories
somewhere in
some fenced off yard
where pit bulls bent
to lick their balls and
longed for tastes of
human flesh. my pile of
bolts, chrome and
accessories
was more well guarded
now then ever.

– I wrote this

March 18, 2010

this is/this was

by jhon baker

Last night while ingesting a handful of prescription pain killers and mood stabilizers; my wife sat on the bed, beautiful and alluring, pushing her back on the bed and kissing long passionate depth, we made love, the kiss was among our best the groping was tantalizing , the visceral connection was enigmatically wondrous. In all the world last night there was not another two as deep and powerful as we.
and they say marriage is the killer of intimacy but no, no, no, it is the conjointment that only the profoundness of we know. My wife saved my life, she was the turning point between train wreck and the self I am. All my poetry is for her, this one is also dedicated to her.

this is/ this was
            to my wife, Kara

here, this is/ this was
the scene of our love
left only now to misshapen sheets
and my hands on your hands
    hands of a body
    your body
    eyes of windows immensity
    after evenings hour
    your moonlit being

here, this is/ this was
the scene of our love
and configuration of sleeping bodies
     head to head
     on cased feather pillows
dreamt singing voices
     of your gravity
     after midnights hour
and my obeisant being

this is
this was
the scene of
out love
now a windowless immensity
after mornings hour
and your vanished being

– I wrote this

February 18, 2010

written on a small scrap with editorial department address on reverse

by jhon baker

poetry wastes a lot of
paper that could be used
for holding leaves off the
ground.

there are some things
that trees will never
forgive us for;
art – is not one of them.

no matter how bad.

– I wrote this

didn’t sleep last night, slept the night before but not the night before that. I did not keep track of previous nights only to know that most of them were not fit for sleeping. It amazes me how much two ailments can define your life, Chronic Pain and Insomnia, they are related but it is not a causal relationship as insomnia has far outlasted the pain thing.
this has weakened my current creativity or the current will to be inspired. This statement has been horribly alliterative and I must stop at all costs.
Another lit blog I read posed the question – ‘is everyone an artist? – I think the answer is clear, however, the clarity I have on it is not shared by the many so called ‘artists’ who produce less art and more sentimental bullshit that is only capable of relating to the so called artist. This is not art and as the definitions are straying away from the meaningful I have simply stated that I am not an artist. But these questions that the so called artists struggle with is possibly part of what separates them from the real and the so called. This is not entirely accurate but what I would ask is this – if you go into your garage and change your oil with any amount of required skill or acquired knowledge, does this make you a mechanic? or if you cook diligently a meal that feeds yourself and maybe even a few friends – does that make you a chef? you see where I am going with this I hope. The effort and even the correct result do not make you the arbiter of such titles because that would be widely considered a gross misapplication of the terms. You are not an artist because you happen to create something or your friends like what you have done. A wall painter is considered a wall painter and not a wall artist. It seems that the fine arts are under attack by the same unjustified assumption of entitlement that is plaguing our streets and making me fear to leave my house for too long that I might accidentally add murderer to my short list of titles. I kid though I am often tempted to add aggravated battery to that list for the same reasons. I don’t as I don’t want to go to prison, feeling like you are more than you are is not really a corporal punishment offense (tho why not?) and mostly because even though I am a large and intimidating man – I am not a fighter, I am however, a poet.