Posts tagged ‘family’

April 30, 2011

now in NC

by jhon baker

From a response to a comment left on this blog    with some additions and edits for clarity, namely my own.

We are now in NC – arriving this morning we were greeted by my extended family as though we were the most dearly loved people of all earth. These are some of the best people I have ever known as they have always been like this toward my wife, son and I.

Lunch, attempt at a nap and dinner with dessert and some memories shared. A beautiful occasion.
It had not occurred to me when I was asked to read the poem and the paragraph from the letter that I would be the only one to read outside of the person giving the eulogy. Out of the myriad of people that my Aunt knew and were ever so close to apparently it was me that she felt a true bond outside her daughters and husband.

I learned today that she kept my book beside her bed where she spent the last eight months of her life and my letters adjacent – often rereading them with utter joy. The weight of the honor I feel and indebtedness to her and her family is immense without being burdensome. We never know how much we truly mean to someone in this life and I am now so touched to know how my letters, phone calls and poetry had lifted her – her daughters even went so far as to say that the letters were a reason she kept going. I only wish she had read the one I was writing when she passed.

though I can no longer dance, I still think every day of the twostep.

That letter along with three more I delivered today among the pile of read/received letters. The total aspect of loss hit me in that moment. If I could ever live so fully and beautifully as she – even half that I would perish a loved and good man. 

Today I read my public testament to her – my words of embrace to her loved remaining here without her deepest constant grace. The most beautiful of words can never offer what she simply did in her warmth and friendship.
Forever I will remember her, always as my beloved friend and her love’s magnanimity.

for your name is scrawled across my heart, for these memories tethered there for all time.

April 28, 2011

For Aunt Kathryn

by jhon baker

As was proposed yesterday: here is the second part that I am going to read at my Aunt Kathryn’s memorial service on Saturday, which we will be leaving for in the morning at approx. 4am.

There needs to be a way that I can step out of my door and straight up to yours, bend space and time, bend light and dark, dematerialize and reconstruct in an instant – there ought to be a way, not eventually, not in the next life but now. It would please me immensely to sit for a cup of coffee or tea with you right now, have a scone or doughnut and laugh at quaint jokes and remark upon the headlines of the local paper. We need this ability more than we need another war, another fastest plane, another super computer or another convening of the Senate.

I lift this coffee mug to you, be well.

with love,

There has been some push back for my want to read this and the poem (read yesterdays blog for poem) selected partially for the reason as it was the last poem of mine she had ever read and this paragraph is the last thing from me she had ever read – both are important to the relationship that we shared and her immediate family who have given their blessing.

I cannot comment too much on the push back but to say – what the hell is wrong with someone when they believe they can dictate the manner in which we grieve? When they can pretend to know what is best in these moments for others. We each grieve on our own, in an individual way; our personal memorials are largely dictated by what we ourselves actually require to heal. What we ourselves need to learn to brave the day without the person we loved so fully.
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March 6, 2011

as of May 21st – this will no longer matter

by jhon baker

not that it is of great import now either, but it seemed important at the time.


I’ve lost count how many “end of the world” scenarios I’ve lived through so far, I can only be sorry for the ones I’d missed due to the year of my birth – it could have been more possibly. From memory most have been from 1988 to 2012 – obviously I have yet to survive the Mayan end (didn’t that culture already end?) and am looking forward to the May, 21st 2011 Rapture where everybody I know will wake up on the 22nd – and the real party can begin.


I wish to publicly congratulate Lynne Hayes on her editor ship of Bicycle Review – I’ve been known to use connections before…

Also, there is a new cat around my house – a kitten in fact, five months old, cautious and loving, the other cats are keeping their distance for the most part and the kitten hisses more then the established – I think it will only take a few more days and they will all tolerate each other publicly and love one another privately. 
Now we have – Mingus, Ellie and Billie – a Jazz trio. We use to have Miles but he got ornery and didn’t want to play in the band anymore. We still miss him dearly.


last thought for the day…


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pow
pow
dazed and tripping backward
blood pouring from my nose
tears bursting from my eyes.
it’s not the first time I’ve had my nose broken
but it never feels the same,
it is always unexpected;
and no-one ever remembers a broken nose
or the stains left on the street and
your street clothes.
and the pretty face
my mother loved
is never
going
to be
the
same.
 – Hoc Scripsi
November 12, 2010

After the trip and nearly healed…

by jhon baker

I’ve been back from Florida since Sunday when I promptly went to bed and slept the better of twenty hours. See the abuses to my body of such long days on my feet and the amount of pain control medications (prescribed narcotics and opiates) along with no sleep and catching something from the Hollywood theme park did me in for that day and really the rest of this week so far. My beautiful wife has been dutifully preparing the house for our sons birthday party tomorrow while I basically wandered around in a listless manner reading Paradise Lost and sucking on several Halls mentholyptis. She is better to me than I deserve.
I managed to write four pages this week and a poem to send off to my Aunt Kate who I have come to the understanding is dying and not going to live much longer. This weighs heavy on my heart indeed as she and I are the best representation of what family really is. She also suffers chronic pain and has Cancer to boot – earlier this year she broke her hip and has truly failed to recover from that – there was never any hope of a recovery from the lung cancer which is now spreading like the terrible disease it is.

I don’t mean to bring you down. I love this woman dearly and now only hope for her pain to vanish away no matter what that also means.

I realized that I’ve missed two Magpie photos and am currently looking at this weeks to suss out the right words.

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it’s okay to die
I look forward to death
with relief, comfort
and sedated melancholy.
if I look up now
what will I see?
and if I look down?
man was not born for
pursuit of perfection
but to be free;
not tied to breathing,
entrapped by fear.
it’s okay to die.
this is what I tell myself
while it is not too late
for living.
 – Hoc Scripsi
July 30, 2010

In the hospital with my Father in Law

by jhon baker

another stroke and I wish for him that his pain would end. I love this man that gave his daughter to me and her pain is my pain – his pain is our pain.

this is all I have to say for now.

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