July 28, 2015

So Here I Am

by jhon baker

I am a man of chronic conditions

and if you bless me I’ll say thanks

but that’s all

 

no one renders the image well

and while the coffee is hot

the outside is almost hotter

 

and I eat a pinkish apple

drink bottled water

and stare at your walls

 

sugarless scenarios

contemplating my next tattoo

I am a spiritual guide

 

wearing a gun and a leatherman

ready for anything

I’m ready for you

 

– Hoc Scripsi

July 28, 2015

Dear Judas,

by jhon baker

1.

 

I cannot believe in God

for all the ill his world produces;

for all the memory of your embattled figure.

aren’t we all the sons of man?

the daughters?

aren’t we all the saints of tomorrow?

yesterdays?

dear Judas,

I weep weep at thoughts of you.

 

2.

 

holy holy

I suppose I call out for you

(your tragic figure)

feet playing the edge of a precipice

knowing not whither to fall

and be damned

 

speak for me

(holy holy)

Adonoi for sought blessings

for finding your body to love

speak for me

holy holy – holy holy

 

dear Judas,

child, saint

you are venerated in my heart

I feel you

listening now for words

from your voice

 

I pray to you

seek you out in hymn –

which star are you?

speak for me,

our holy blessings and names

our holy actions and love

 

 

 

3.

 

dear Judas,

where can I find you?

I look in back alleys

search the graveyards

stop in cafes

along busy streets

and I cannot find you

 

the air is desiccated

sun burnt skin flakes

and peels

as I strive in the daylight

looking for you

in the faces of dirty children

with uncombed hair

I seek you out

among the poor

and tax collectors

among the rich

and forgotten

 

dear Judas,

I write to you now

to understand

not of your purported betrayal

or that last kiss

wherein you created

Christianity

to understand

the end

the dark night of your soul

I listen among the birds

sitting under trees

for your final declaration

the last act of a hanged man

misunderstood for two thousand years

 

dear Judas,

you are the first

martyred

forgotten

hanged from the devil’s tree

where no bird sang but wept

where stone and arrow

met your body and mind

your last walk holy

 

dear Judas,

holy Judas

martyred Judas

I pray for you

call out to you

(your tragic figure)

I weep weep at thoughts of you

 

dear Judas,

sing for me

holy holy

your soul scarred

and sacred

your body left and

forgotten

that strength of a thousand thousand men

the courage of many more

tracing a line round your heart

broken now

broken for all time

 

– Hoc Scripsi

 

 

July 16, 2015

this morning came around seven and then again around eight-fifteen.

by jhon baker

I woke this morning to medications and everything being left of center by about six inches. As the day progressed it shifted to about eight inches right of center never actually being center. This is the way of it lately – yesterday spent most of the day right of center except my sons room which was three inches left. The day before that was mostly malaise covered and fuzzy. I contemplate that my medications are no longer correct for my diagnosis but wonder if maybe my diagnosis is more severe then we previously thought. Then again the world may actually be left or right as I awake and descend throughout the day but today it ends with my motorcycle no longer being mine and no longer in the garage. now in there are a mass of broken things and unfinished projects that I may or may not be smart enough to complete without assistance.

I don’t write here often because like this post clearly defines – I have very little to say that isn’t about lonely carpet tufts and apples growing on certain trees far away from here. I could write about my squeezing ceiling fan, blue curtains covering the slider in my room but that seems passe right now. And I am drinking coffee from my unbroken other favorite Vincent coffee mug. Sunflowers. Wheat field with crows was my favorite but now it is broken.

I’ve learned that some pain medications can deepen psychosis and as a result I’ve been taken off of them and am left with only two meds to control my pain and those don’t seem to be working as well lately. I’m sleeping a lot during the day to try and control pain. it works to a certain extent and offers me usual nightmares and vivid nighttimedreaming – I am ill from the side affects of something and find my appetite reduces to normalish levels but still sickened in the stomach with no abatement.

every time I turn around there is no-one there – only carpet tufts in some joyful crushed harmony.

June 13, 2015

Beneath this grumpy heart

by jhon baker

I would write more but I have little to say and what I do I say to my wife and child.

although I’ve purchased a new guitar I am not playing it due to the pain from old injuries.

Hot coffee on a hot day needs to be double fisted with iced soda or water.

Listening to Muddy Waters while my wife mows the lawn and whacks the weeds with concentration and aggression.

Happiness is a strange notion.

My neighbor is crazy in a different way than I am crazy – she is a lunatic howling at the moon while I am simply mentally abberated and unstable on the best days.

I am selling my motorcycle and have turned down offers I shouldn’t have and been offered some pretty ridiculous trades or amounts.

“I’ve got a black cat bone,

I’ve got a mojo too.

I’ve got a John the Conqueroo,

I’ve got to mess with you…”

 

These are two separate poems…

 

I love you

and that may be all

shared coffee over old television shows

and newer series watched in minute marathons

 

I have flowers dying on the kitchen table

in yellow hues turning brown

in whites turning yellow

– Hoc Scripsi

 

May 24, 2015

having pizza for dinner tonight

by jhon baker

and I’m all out of jokes.

 

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